Chapter 5 – To Move Forward
Volume 2
…If I miss this opportunity, I won’t be able to say anything to Mother Enami. I won’t be able to face my own mother anymore. Even though I and others are not the same, I still wanted to avoid the rupture between Enami-san and her mother.
I said,
“Is it so bad to look back?”
Perhaps it was an unexpected comment, but Mother Enami seemed a little surprised. She put her hands on the backrest and stared at my face intently. Suddenly I felt nervous.
“Ah, no. I’m sorry for the suddenness. But I feel that moving forward and shaking off the past are two different things.”
Even as I talk, I realize that I had this idea in my mind. Even when studying, there is a feeling of organizing your thoughts in your head when you put them into words to teach someone else. The feeling I had now was similar to that.
My jumbled thoughts began to take a clearer shape.
“Enami-san’s mother said, ‘You don’t have to worry about me anymore. I think it is true that Enami-san has started to look forward to the future. But that doesn’t mean that she’s stopped caring about the past or that she’s trying to go her separate ways.”
“…You’re so young.”
Her gaze changed to the same one she had given Enami-san earlier.
“Really, if you keep dwelling on the past, you’ll never be able to look forward.”
“I don’t think so.”
Mother Enami furrowed her brow at my clear tone. I may have offended her. But I felt that my idea was not wrong.
“The present me is an extension of the past. There is no escaping that reality. No matter how hard I try to forget, it will always remain in my memory. The more you try to forget it, the more you will remember it again and again, and it will be etched in your mind.”
“That’s right.”
Mother Enami spat out with a sigh.
“That’s why it’s impossible.”
She stood up from her chair and walked up to me. Her eyes narrowed. A smile on her cheeks alone, as if she was fed up.
“Maybe you don’t understand, but…”
“Maybe so…”
The situation between me and the Enami family is different. I don’t even know how the word “hatred” came to be uttered.
“But then again, maybe not…”
On the other hand, I didn’t think there was any kind of overlap at all.
“… I’ve had some tough times in the past too… A time when I was in so much pain, suffering, and on the verge of breaking that I thought I would never recover…”
At that moment, for some reason, Enami-san’s shoulders shook. Then she hugged her own shoulders as if to cover it up. Her eyes are looking in another direction.
I continued.
“Every day, I stayed home and didn’t go to school. I couldn’t even eat my food, my head was screaming, I couldn’t even cry anymore, and I thought I was going to die.”
I didn’t know what kind of expression I had on my face right now. I was embarrassed to show my face, so I turned my head away.
I tried my best to squeeze out my voice.
“But then one day I noticed…”
Hands reached out to me from two of them. Little by little, I was able to stand up.
“I realized that maybe there are things I can do because I have been through such a past. I can’t go back to the way I used to be, but I can accept the past and do the best I can so that I will never regret it again. When I had a new purpose, I felt a little better. At the time, though, I didn’t think I was moving forward… Looking back, I think that was the moment I finally took the first step.”
“…”
Mother Enami listened to me in silence.
“I couldn’t shake off the past, but I learned that I could use it to energize myself to move forward. The pain didn’t go away, but I was able to gradually create a new me.”
I don’t even know if this way of doing things is the right way. Eventually, I might get overwhelmed, and the time might come when I break down.
But at that time, I had no other choice.
“That’s why, um…”
Suddenly, no words came out.
The anxiety of wondering if it was really okay to say such a thing came to my mind. All of it got mangled up again.
I’m always in doubt. Whenever I try to come to a conclusion, I stop thinking.
It’s pathetic. It’s really pathetic.
Despite all my bravado, I’m still a mess. My mouth got dry, and my throat hurt when I swallow. My forehead was sweating.
I glanced over to check on Mother Enami.
She had a serious expression on her face, different from before.
I suddenly remembered the time I had lectured Enami-san at the diner.
It was a different kind of look, but I had a feeling that the roots of it were similar.
After a while, Mother Enami opened her mouth.
“…I see.”
Sorry. I apologized to Enami-san in my heart. Perhaps I might have made a mistake.
TN: our MC is an expert in giving lecture.
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