Chapter 5 – Determination
Volume 1
Everything is breaking down.
I’ve had that experience before.
I’m being lost. I was being dragged into deep darkness. In the empty space, I sink as if I am being crushed.
The world fades. Just like ink is worn away again and again. It peels, it fades, it stains the blank. The heart sores, the emotions wither, the feelings are smeared.
In me, the experience is still a deep scar.
When I was huddled in my room with my knees in my arms. I was staring at the individual tips of the carpet. There was nothing I could do. I couldn’t get my head around the magnitude of what I had lost, and my eyelids were burning like they were on fire.
Regret is not a word that can be used to describe it. Words can never express it. There was nothing I could do but struggle in the gaping hole.
No one blamed me. I was gently told that it was not my fault. This softly spoken thought, however, weighed heavily on me.
I’d rather have someone kill me.
I want someone to strangle me.
Or better yet, bury me in the ground.
Even though I blamed myself in my mind, I couldn’t make myself suffer. My human nature of not wanting to suffer gets in the way.
My mind was a mess.
There was no way I could sort out my feelings. Every time I tried to pick up the pieces of my thoughts, they were interspersed with noise.
I guess I’ll just keep suffering like this.
I’ll never be able to escape it.
That’s what I thought.
One day, the door to my room opened.
There, I saw my sister Sayaka and my father.
They seemed to be worried about me and had come to check on me.
I watched them absentmindedly.
They were trying to talk to me about something. But I couldn’t reply. I couldn’t understand what they were saying. I felt as if they were calling to me from far away.
(＊＊＊＊＊＊＊)
Sayaka said.
(＋＋＋＋＋＋＋)
My father also spoke.
The words are processed as sounds in my mind.
The sound is still echoing in my ears, repeatedly. They are being spoken to me, desperately.
(……)
I have to say something. So I open my mouth.
But it’s still just a sound. It disappears into thin air.
The two of them did not give up. Both my father and Sayaka visited my room every day, sometimes holding my shoulders, sometimes my hands, and talking to me over and over again.
Gradually, the sounds turned into words.
(**It’s not like my brother.)
(You’re a ＋＋＋＋ child. I know that.)
Slowly, slowly.
The noise cleared up. The messy, distorted world is regaining order.
I’ve been looking for it for a long time.
What can I do now that I’ve lost it?
There are things I still need to do.
Little by little, I began to realize this.
At the same time, I felt my heart become lighter.
The world regained its color. From the depths of the darkness, it began to rise up.
I looked at my father and Sayaka and thought.
I, I…
* * *
I woke up.
I emerged from the dream.
It’s Sunday morning.
The sun has just risen, and I can hear the birds chirping incessantly.
The light was leaking from the bottom of the closed curtains. A little of it invades the bed, covering part of my face.
I blinked. My eyes were glazed over. I wasn’t going to be able to sleep anymore.
As I sat up, I noticed that my legs were sore. It must have been from forcing myself to carry Sayaka yesterday. My muscles were sore.
I glanced at my desk and saw that it was still cluttered with study materials. I had continued to study after that, but slowly fell asleep and collapsed into bed.
The alarm clock said it was 7:30 am. My father and Sayaka were probably still asleep.
I walked out of the room, trying not to make a sound. Then I went downstairs and entered the living room.
Even though she wakes up late, Sayaka still eats breakfast. Thinking of making some ham and eggs, I stood in the kitchen and started to prepare it.
Sayaka woke up around nine o’clock.
She went to the dining table with sleepy eyes and brought the food I had made to her mouth. She yawned repeatedly while idly watching the morning show on TV. Then she looked at me and asked,
“When did I fall asleep?”
Apparently, she remembered the part where she talked to me, but she couldn’t remember what happened after that.
“Oh, come on. I carried you to your bedroom, didn’t I?”
“Eh? Really?”
She looked at me puzzled.
“It was a lot of work, you know. And after I laid you down, you grabbed the hem of my clothes and called me ‘Onii-chan.'”
“No, I didn’t.”
Well, she only called me “Onii-chan” when we were in elementary school. Somehow, the disgraceful nickname had taken root.
“But it’s true that you grabbed the hem of my clothes.
“Heh.”
She looked at me blankly. She didn’t seem to trust me.
“Anyway, please don’t come into my room without permission.”
What is she talking about when she asked for it herself? However, it seemed that she would not believe me even if I said so, so I gave up.
Sayaka continued to eat her breakfast without a care in the world.
TN: Thanks for the Ko-fi whoever it was. I forgot to mention before.
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Impatient MTL Reader 
this siscon yarou……….
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